The last four months

I haven’t blogged for four months now. I had my pretty baby and love her dearly! The other part of my life has taken over; I have been suffering from severe postpartum depression. I haven’t talked about it because of the attention it might bring. I can barely handle the days and couldn’t handle more than that. I returned to work and that has helped me a lot, but this hasn’t ended the post partum everyday is still a battle. I was so scared to ask for help, only because I went to the doctor and asked him to help, he wanted to lock me up in the Looney bin and take my children away. He made me so so afraid. I have lived this way now since Katelyn’s birth, with the burden to constantly fake every day. I have the fear if I don’t everything in my life will be ruined. I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED! Between the fear of losing my house if I don’t go to work, to constant calls from creditors from the hospital bills, I feel so alone.
I went to get help from my mother she has been nothing but a complete disappointment. She is so self absorbed in her life that she could care less about me or my children. As soon as anyone comes around she puts on a show of what a great mother and grandmother she is. FRAUD!!
My grandma Watson has been a wonderful help, I couldn’t have gotten this far without her. Anytime I have called her she comes immediately. I am so thankful for her. I need her more than she will know. I have actually thanked her numerous times, but I don’t know if she realized what she has done for me. The hard part is that she is a snow bird and went to Yuma, AZ as she always does for the winter. So now she is gone til spring.
There are so many days I can’t stop crying and thinking that if my kids weren’t here I would be dead. I have lost my will to live. I yell at myself in my head and say what is so hard about your life, knock it off. It doesn’t work, but I try to remind myself it could be so much worse in hopes to make it positive. I pray incessantly for relief from the sadness. I have lost friendships because sometimes I just can’t talk to anyone. I also don’t call people because I can’t bring people down, I hate being like this why would I make anyone else like this. I have had some individuals be super mean to me, I have been told to just buck up, don’t you think I would if I could…They put me on Zoloft (anti- depressant) but it just made me more down on my down days. That was listed as a side effect, it could cause suicide. That is really funny if you think about it because I was taking it for that reason, to prevent suicide.
I was writing this to hopefully have people understand what I am going through right now so I don’t lose anymore friendships. I am trying so hard, and it feels like it isn’t good enough. I used to be this fun person, WHERE IS SHE??? I feel so lost and afraid. I want this to end soon. Please world just try to be patient with me.
I have been using google to find out how to start a foundation for women with post partum depression, for them the mothers who can’t handle life because it is a real thing. I feel for these women, I am one of them. I tell myself I just can’t give up…….




http://www.postpartum.net